Jerkweed Inspector

Life is around you and in you

WE GET TO GO HOME!

(Source: becketts, via olsnaggletooth)

ilvalentinos:

the-writers-ramblings:

image

imagine him making angry tutorial videos on youtube

'ALRIGHT. THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. YOU HAVE TO BE DRAFTED INTO A WAR YOU DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT IN, LEAVING BEHIND YOUR SICKLY BEST FRIEND TO GO WATCH PEOPLE GETTING BLOWN UP IN A DITCH OR WHATEVER.'

caption: procure urban decay naked 3.

'THEN YOU GET CAPTURED AND TORTURED BY A WEIRD GERMAN SCIENTIST WITH STRANGE HAIR GROWTH AND HAVE YOUR MIND WIRED TO THE POINT WHERE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IS REAL AND WHAT IS NOT ALL THE WHILE DREAMING THAT YOUR SICKLY BEST FRIEND WILL COME RESCUE YOU, AND WHEN HE DOES HE COMES IN THAT DUMB CAPTAIN AMERICA GET UP AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH IS REAL AND HOW MUCH IS NOT AND YEARS LATER YOU WONDER IF YOU WERE ALWAYS THE WINTER SOLDIER, AND YOU JUST NEVER KNEW.'

caption: you’ll want to use gel eyeliner to make your base

'AND MAYBE YOUR BEST FRIEND IS CAPTAIN AMERICA AND MAYBE YOU FEEL USELESS NOW AND YOU HATE YOURSELF FOR FEELING WHATEVER LEFT OVER RESENTMENT AND ENVY FOR BEING LEFT IN THE DITCH WHILE HE GETS BUFFED TO GLORY, AND MAYBE YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE KILLING PEOPLE THAN YOU DID BEFORE BUT HEY YOU FALL OFF THE EDGE OF A CLIFF NO BIGGIE THAT SHITS OVER RIGHT? WRONG. SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR LEFT ARM YOU LIMP DICK MOTHERFUCKERS.'

caption: prime your eyelid. carefully lay the baser layer below your brow bone, use complementary colours.

'WELCOME TO SEVENTY YEARS OF HIGH PROFILE ASSASSINATIONS, SOVIET SHIT, AND WHATS THAT? OH RIGHT. BRAINWASHING. I PROBABLY EVEN KILLED CHILDREN AT ONE POINT BUT I DONT EVEN REMEMBER COS OF BRAINWASHING natasha is gr11 tho'

caption: begin to carefully layer in shades of charcoal and beige

'AND THEN YOUR PROGRAMMING UNRAVELS AND YOUR BEST FRIEND IS BACK FROM THE DEAD, HELLO TO OVERWHELMING GUILT. YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN ME SERIOUSLY AND ASKED ME TO GIVE TALKS ON PTSD BUT ALL ANYONE WANTS IS TO KNOW HOW I DID MY EYE MAKEUP'

britta-saurus:

Interviewer: So have you learned anything about each other on this trip? 
Anthony: His favorite fruit is raspberries. 
Sebastian: It’s blueberries. (x)

(via theshouldbequeen)

buzzfeed:

saintkitten:

so you guys should definitely watch patrick stewart and ian mckellen play the newlywed game and take it very, very seriously and do very, very badly

They tried, though! And honestly, who could hold anything against these men?

(via first-enchanter-vivienne)

"Kings" + Final Words

It’s comical at this point…

(Source: droqo, via vorobey008)

fluerly:

im actually really afraid that no one will fall in love with me

(via niogitsune)

Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

  • Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
  • Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
  • Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
  • Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
  • Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
  • Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
  • Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
  • Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
  • Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
  • Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
  • Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
  • Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
  • Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
  • Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
  • Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
  • Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
  • Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
  • Dad: Fuck the government.
  • Dad: Fuck the school board.
  • Dad: Close the door.
  • Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
  • Dad: I love puns.
  • Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
  • Dad: Please shut up.
  • Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
  • Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
  • Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
  • Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
  • Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
  • Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
  • Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
  • Dad: They act like I care what they think.
  • Dad: I hate homework.
  • Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
  • Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

nonasuch:

additionally, I CANNOT GET OVER Steve’s fucking Sadness Errands that he keeps running around DC, like, his schedule literally goes

6 AM: jogging

7:15: unburden soul to total stranger, lacking better options

3 PM: visit own museum exhibit to stare at the Dead Best Friend Wall

4:30: attempt meaningful human connection with sole surviving contemporary; fail due to Alzheimer’s

6 PM: dinner for one

7 PM: contemplate own loneliness, probably

(via first-enchanter-vivienne)